Sunday, January 22, 2012

The Vast Indifference of Heaven

Yup, its happened again. I started this post a while ago and never finished it. I wrote the first couple of paragraphs somewhere around January 5th. It's changed a few times. In fact I'm changing it now. I'll do better in future. Promise. K?

When I first started this blog a few friends said that it must be a very therapeutic thing. You know, share my thoughts and feelings. Get things off my chest that I might not say otherwise. Clear my head of all those pesky problems I just couldn't figure out otherwise. Idk. Have you read this blog often? What do you think? I always feel like you and I are just tryin' to make some sense of this beautiful, bright, carnival together. Try and figure out how to get through it all as best we can. I mean we are all in this together after all. After having said all that, maybe it is time for some therapy.

Friend of mine sent me a message via Facebook the other day. He was asking what my sixteen year old self would think of the very soon to be fifty year old me. Sixteen year old me would find that kind of a funny question. At the time I couldn't even imagine being thirty. I've never been a planner. Never really goal oriented. I think my parents never gave me some of the tools one needs to live a life of forethought and care. I never really thought of it at the time, but dysfunction ran pretty rampant in my family. I know, I know. A lot of families are like that. A lot of kids are able to shake it off, live fully. I have come to realize that I couldn't walk away from it so easily. I mean I thought I did. You know, through drinking and self medication. I spent a long time stoned or drunk. Or of course both.

Well...  Back to my sixteen year old. What would he think of me? It's a crap shoot at this point really. Well, better than house odds that there'd be a lot of disappointment and a lot of satisfaction.

I've had a lot of friends. Known some really excellent people. I've been able to do things with theater that I really love. I think through that an great group of people and I have been able to show audiences some things they might not have thought. Or helped them think of things in different ways. I'm pretty happy with this blog too. What started as a lark really has reached around the world. People in places I'd never imagined would have read my humble ramblings.

I've hurt people too. Ruined marriages through aloof coolness. My most recent ex always told me I enjoyed the hunt more than the catch. That I'm just not in it for the long haul. Of course I beg to differ that point. That's probably fodder for another post though. I've let friendships lapse.

Any of this sound familiar to you? We all have our own disappointments. We have all made mistakes in our lives. Some bigger and more life changing than others of course. Some not quite so big. Barely a blip on our inner radar screen.

So why all this soul searching? Why sit here and tell you?

I've been struggling with the past lately. Caught up in the depression of all the wrong turns. All the bad decisions. I have been giving the past way too much attention.

And it's all been a waste of time.

Yup. You read that right. I'll say it again. I've been wasting my time fretting over the past.

It's not that I don't feel bad about some things or even guilt and sadness about others.

It's just that the past doesn't exist.

Well, I suppose it depends who you ask. There are people who would talk of multi-verses. People who you would say that all things are happening simulaneously. Or that there are time lines that stretch away from us in many directions. You know, there's a universe where you took that class in college you decided against. Where you dated one person and never met the person you are married to now. All kinds of things. I've probaly jumbled some theories together or not gotten something right. Right now they're just theories.

So I think I can safely say that the past doesn't exist. We can not go back and change things. We can not go back and watch events in history first hand. We can not touch it, taste it, or smell it.

Heaven and earth are indifferent to the past. The universe truly moves ever onward. The moon and the stars only watch as time marches on. It's only for us that time stands still as we contemplate the past.

We have no control over what might've been. Could've been. Should've been,

All we have is now. All we can do is stay here in the present.

What does that mean to you and me though?

How about it means making right choices now. How about being mindful of what's really important and doing everything in our power to ensure our happiness now? How about learning from our mistakes? Figure out how things we've done affect our thoughts and feelings now and  try to get it right this time. This now.

Don't let yesterday take away today.

Ok. I don't think this post is going to improve with age. Time I just send it off.

I'm pullin' for ya. We're all in this together.

Oh, yeah, don't be afraid to follow this blog or subscribe to it. Nothing happens if you follow it. No spam or harrassing phone calls. Even if you subscribe the worst that might happen is you might get an email from me telling you that the governing site stinks and you need to check your spam folder for the email verification link. Thanks for your support.

1 comment:

  1. Like what you wrote was honest and brave to write...we all have our regrets to move on from....